Can I Be Replaced?
by BrokenWing81
Summary: Can Relena ever feel whole, can she love or ever be loved? What ever happened to make Relena feel this way, can Heero be the one to cure her of this never ending struggle with herself? R&R this is my first posted fic. HY&RP RATED R
1. Default Chapter

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Disclaimer: Sorry folks the characters in this fic don't belong to me they belong to people who can sue me and take the shirt off my back with no regret Please be gentle this is my first posted fic 

Can I be replaced? 

Prologue

By BrokenWing81

Rated R and later NC-17

Winter has come and gone 

And yet you still allude me 

But that's not true, I know that 

You watch me in the shadows.

I can feel your presence around me 

I know I can never hear or see you but I can feel you.

Your dark eyes watch me from all angels at every meeting,

Conference and social event even in the darkest corners of my own room.

I know your there. But do you know that I know is the problem. I believe so.

I know that I'm safe with you there but at time's it becomes over whelming to stand by and see nothing not even your shadow, and that frightens me.

When I lay myself to sleep at night, I'm afraid to open my eyes at every little squeak and crack, afraid it's you finally coming to finish the promise that you made long ago to scare me from caring and eventually loving you.

"Omae wa korosu" I didn't know what that meant but I knew it was something, and I was right it meant I will kill you in your native language of Japanese, you'll be surprised at how much I've learned to just have a normal conversation with you.

Threats upon threats have appeared and talks of war have risen I've failed my job as both Dove of Peace and Queen of the World. I can't control earth anymore, but let's just face it I never did have control of anything, least of all earth.

I'm afraid you'll come and remove me so another can take my place as Dove of Peace, someone who has the ability to kill and not be killed, who is trained to be able to take care of herself and not be dependent on others like I am. 

But be forewarned lonely soldier that I'll happily step down. I'm ill, I know, I know but what can I do the whole world, the colonies, the people they all need me to be a leader. And slowly it's killing me. 

So my soldier your job cannot be accomplished as you have in the past, instead you will have to step back and let time and fate do it's job. But do me one thing soldier, and promise me that you'll accomplish this task, in the end don't let me suffer.

Times like this I'm both glad and sad for not being able to commit suicide, but inflicting pain on myself is another story. In some warped way I'm happy that I have the guts to take a blade and slice open my skin and let the red tears of my suffering body flow down my arms onto my pj's and down to my soft bed sheets, making small baby puddles of crimson.

I can feel myself get lighter; I lie on my bed crucifixion style with my wrists facing up. Waiting to feel good about myself. I thought that I could handle it all, school, the delegates, the people's demands, threats against myself and that of the peace that I and everyone else worked so hard for and maintain.

It's getting darker to see, but I know your there looking at me with shame. What has become of me, I'm a child in a grown up world. Work and work is all I can see in my future and at my death, I keep picturing myself at 50 and having a heart attack while signing my last decree at my desk. I smile at myself and then I feel it, a cold breeze inside my room and there it is the creeks and the shadows. And all at once I fall asleep. Covered by the darkness.

The shadows hissed at the sight that they had come upon. " Relena… What did you do?" 

*Hey hoped you liked it please Read and Review, if you got an idea as to how I should go along with this story don't be afraid to comment and judge. 

*I would like to have at least 6 reviews to continue.

*I also would like time in actually writing this because this is a work in progress, the first chapter will be out soon don't worry. 

*Anything else just ask! 


	2. Chapter 1

NEW CHAPTER2 **__**

Disclaimer: Sorry fokes the character for GundamWing don't belong to me, they belong to the wonderful people who actually created them. I'm just holding them hostage for the time being so please don't sue me. Please be gentle this is my first posted fic.

I just want to say thank you all for giving me time to write this I was stuck on the ending for the longest time and finally I was able to get it finished. I would like to thank my friend MarshAngel on a review and for editing this story for me without her this would be a an example of a person trying her best to be s a writer with no such luck. 

Can I be replaced?

Chapter 1 

By BrokenWing81

Rated R and NC-17

Places far beyond dreams are where most nightmares tend to dwell, never to acknowledge the trials of a soldiers heart felt sorrow of a moment of denial hell. Death does not care if it violates a persons right to live, to breath, a right to grow old with a love, and seeing your own child's future dancing in merriment in an oceans waves with no true fear of the unknown. A soldier's place is in a war and nowhere else, soldiers are no longer considered human after the atrocities they have committed in the past. But why should they?

Why should one live while another dies? I know that I must judge myself harshly because no one else can comprehend what I have done. No one can hand me what I deserve as punishment, but I should be punished, punished for all the things I've done; yet it was all done under the banner of war. 

Everyday I sit, watch, and wonder at the enormity of it all, and yet I never have to because it has been some time since the end of the war and we have achieved what is now peace. But the aftermath of it all still resides in each individual. Many have the ability with them to become those hated monsters once again. I promised myself that no more blood would plague the city streets that children play on, or machines of mass destruction strewn around playgrounds. But those are my vows not the vows of the world united; just a lonely soldier who has been to the frontline and come back barley alive to tell his tale. Dreams, dreams are what keep a person going but I'm no ordinary person like those who think that they know me. But I was once human and that means I have the ability to dream things; yet when I dream i know that I could never be able to obtain what I have longed to have in my dreams. There is only one thing that I want but I don't know how to get it.

Consequences of a wish filled dream; gray storm clouds lined with silver bringing about an era of peace. My ladylove lies in a serene field of tall grass and wildflowers. Eyes closed hiding their blue depths, soft rose colored lips partially parted to taste the warm breezes of summer. Hair the color of uncharted desert sand laid out and about her prone body, a crown of daises adorns her head, the true image of a goddess of unknown origin to be trapped frozen for all time near me. The setting sun bathing her in a golden aura; if one happens to blinks to quickly one would have sworn that she had sprouted wing of an angel or that of a dove, showing her true form of innocence, of her great immortality of love and compassion. She will never truly hate, words cannot hurt her, she is immune of others ignorance and hatred of pacifism. 

Like I said before consequences of a wish filled dream is that I can never obtain her, she calls my name out in her deepest dream, her desire to have me by her side. She can never have me, with all my might I wish to have her but I cannot taint her, I wont taint her. I'm a soldier, a cold-blooded heartless soldier; I have killed in the past to create a harmonious and peaceful existence that we have now. I can't even enjoy what I have helped to accomplish by not having her by my side. To feel her skin, taste her sweet kisses, to be one with her always. 

I watch her through her everyday struggle to survive the down hill spiral that's her new life. A girl yet a women, an annoyance once in my life but now a goddess of my sweet nights, watching her dream, laugh, cry, and be frightened of the world around her from my place among the shadows.

Everyday my heart hurts, I didn't know at first but as Duo says 'you love the girl' I learned then that the perfect soldier had a weakness. If I destroyed her it would be too much to bear so I must protect her with or without her permission, even if she doesn't know herself, either way would help me keep her safe from my enemies. But I am my own worst enemy for leaving her, never understanding why I feel for her. I just left without a second glance back at what I left behind, now that I know I won't leave do it again. I care for her so much but it's so hard to tell the guys what I'm feeling let alone what I feel for her. So that is why I'm here always with her watching her in her everyday life and now tonight in a spur of the moment, I bought her roses of three different colors to express what she is to me. I'm petrified I've never done this before. 

Tonight no more masks, no more illusions of life; what may come is the tip of the ice berg. Everyone needs a sanctuary from an unwanted fate, postponing the acknowledgment that I do care; the only way to love something is to realize it might be lost. Twice I've fought for her, twice I've saved her, and twice I knew I needed her with me. I need to do this, to know what I am becoming, love is strange to me, I'm learning as I go. I can't just walk away from her she is my new life.

Storm winds are urging me on with urgency as if there is something of great importance that I must see or do, either way I'm getting to my future. Letting the rushing of blood flow through my veins and eventually into my beating heart. Balcony doors are unlocked letting the shadows come to a great climatic ending, all of the light of goodness becoming salvation to many, a beacon of hope, and my hope. 

Why can't she listen to her security detail, she can easily be hurt or even yet killed, if she keeps leaving them unlocked; anyone can just come in. Unless she leaves them for me although she doesn't have to because she knows that i can get in easy enough without her worrying. She is so stubborn in her ways, yet Yuy you love her for them. What a paradox! White-laced curtains are blocking my view of something or rather someone lying on top of the bed, probably chilled by the cold night air; maybe I could warm them up with a sweet kiss of sunshine.

There is a smell in here that I can remember distinctly as something I've smelled during the war but it can't be; she probably just cut her self on a pair of shears or something. My chest feels like it's tightening, it's getting harder to breath, something's not right. I don't know why but I feel danger. Danger is around here, around her, I need to get her out… of…here. My God what, what happen? My breath becomes out as a soft hissing … I never imagined that something like this could happen.

"Relena…what did you do"?

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Hey hoped you liked it please Read and Review, if you got an idea as to how I should go along with this story don't be afraid to comment and judge. I would like to have at least 6 reviews to continue. I also would like time in actually writing this because this is a work in progress, the second chapter will be out much sooner than the first so please don't worry. Anything else just ask! 


	3. Finally Chapter 2

Chapter2 ****

Disclaimer: Sorry I don't own any of the characters of Gundam Wing, except the emotional turmoil I like putting in my stories. I'm evil I know;o) 

Just a quick note, I didn't upload in a while because of college issues, I HATE COLLEGE! I passed my finals at least I got them out of the way. 

Just so that you all know and wont flame me this is a journal entry; it sounded good when I thought of it. 

I also didn't have anyone edit this so if there are any mistakes please tell me, I tried to edit the Prologue and Chapter 1 but it wouldn't let me so I'll see if I can try again it later. Enjoy!!!

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Can I be replaced?

Chapter 2

By BrokenWing81

Rated R and NC-17

There is no other way of explaining them but of the way I see them, pure perfect light blue sky accented by matching cotton candy fluffy white clouds swirling around making simple pleasurable sights to delight the watcher with awe. This is how life should be, correction this is how my life should be, I should be out there in the world wearing skintight dresses. Jeans I can barely breath in, tanks to show off what Mother Nature and genetics greatly bestrode upon me, midriffs that will make boys drool and girls hate me with green envy. I should be reading girl power books and romance novels for ideas. Magazines on beauty, health, fitness, and the proper why to making out with a guy in a back seat of a car and not worrying if an assassin is coming to do something of every moment of my damn life. For crying out loud I should have at least one boyfriend in my lifetime! But I'm only left with the burden of ruling an entire world, when it should have just been a small kingdom by my birthright. A world where no one sees me for me, a symbol placed on a pedestal to look at and to follow her example, but answer me this, whom do I follow? Who do I go to for advice, for true sympathy when needed? No one, that's who.

I'm only sixteen, no more than a child in the heart of the world. Yet through their eyes they see me as who I am, a child with a mission, a mission of total pacifism. I'm left ruling a world all my lonesome, a queen yet no king to love, no one at my side, of course I have friends but it's not what I want, not anymore. I once had this dream of wanting my love by my side but as time wore on I realized it was a schoolgirls crush created out of my own uncertainty and depressed state of mind, needing something to live towards too. 

But it was him! I met him years ago, boy wasn't it an interesting meeting. I didn't realize who he was all I knew was that in a blaze of glory a shooting start lighted the night sky and landed on the beach close to my home on earth. Out of my own curiosity i ran to see this star, to maybe even possibly touch it. I wasn't expecting to meet anyone let alone him, the perfect soldier, a little boy lost, a child of war, one out of only five perfect for the colonies to use against Oz. Oz an evil secret organization that was bent on controlling all within it's path. Oz it's self was control by the Romefeller foundation, European aristocrats that had hoped to become a global power, having the colonies depend on them only. 

But they are either gone or left in ruins desperate to rebuild what is now lost. Earth and the colonies left to cleanse the memories of war and bloodshed from their minds. Peace is what was needed in time of war, not years after the last confrontation. 

I, being the soul survivor of Peacecraft monarchy, it's legacy forever my undoing. Those that do not want peace will stop at nothing till I'm gone. But not just out of sight but out of mind as well, never remembering what's her name! My death will not bring what my enemies want, what they desire except an unexpected incredible battle debating who will rule a dead thing. A dead Earth, rivers of blood and bone, ruined lands of nations never wanting to join in a fight that was none of their right to fight in but yet they were sacrificed. Blood has no beginning or an end in this world or any other for that matter, just as timeless as war itself. My death will be just that a death like those that have come before me I will die as someone who tried and failed to help the world and it's problems. My hands will forever be rid of their own evil doings. 

I'm tired and weak but I can't sleep, if I sleep I dream a thousand dreams in one. I dream of laughter, of children, of lovers, and haters, I dream of families, of different nameless faces. Different lives from one another yet all having the same outcome, that of blood, of screams of their merciless deaths, no longer innocent, becoming unpure lost to those that only worship not of God but of themselves. If we want to see the devil all we have to do is just look into the mirror, we are the greatest contradiction of both light and dark all though many would disagree I am the purest of them all, it's just a front, in other words a simple lie. My own dark side is winning, he's winning and I can't stop him, I fight him I truly do but I can't win this battle, not in a long shot! This particular battle has been going on for a very, very long time. I absolutely don't know if it has a beginning but I doubt it has an end, forever repeating it's cycle. Mariemaia was right of one thing after all! 

All this lost to those that only want war, destruction, greed, and power to rule the world without a second thought of the consequences. I myself can not comprehend what goes thought their minds, but if I try I'm frightened of what I will see or what I my eventually become there after. 

Footsteps, I hear footsteps approaching, soft and persistent steps. Ahhh… the great one comes this way. Probably coming to tell me to "come in", "I shouldn't be alone out here", or better yet his famous "don't be a child Relena", "act your age", or even better "I don't care what happens to you out here it's your own damn fault to begin with". I should go; I don't want him to read what I have already written to you, don't worry I'll write again soon when I get a little private time to my self. You are my friend dear journal, never judging, always listening to my sense of logic in a world gone mad. Thank you always.

R.P 

Just as the last initial was placed upon the private writings of the young girl, a shadow loomed overhead. "Relena what are you doing out here?"

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Ok now can everyone see the box below please review it bring up my self confidence as well as making me feel good about the abilities that both my high school guidance councilor said that I lacked and the knowledge that I am better than my English teachers. Remember I read your stories too! I would like to have at least 5 reviews to continue. I also would like time in actually writing this because this is a work in progress; the third chapter will be out soon so please don't worry. Anything else just ask!


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